I'm currently hitting a steep learning curve. I want to learn how to show grace when I've been hurt, but it's hard. Especially with people I care about. In the past it has taken ridiculous amounts of time to even acknowledge my hurt. I think this is in part to the fact that I was born on a Tuesday and, as the Tuesday child, I am stubborn. But the more I walk with God the more I realize the mercy I am shown; forgiveness by the minute. Additionally, I think it's about time I live out my middle name: grace.
So I am trying to work through the hurt I feel, even if it's small, grant forgiveness, and continue to love. Today I figured out that this is best done on the back of a motorcycle.
The day was one filled with anxieties and insecurities. My desire to be perfect was met, once again, with the reality that I am merely human. On top of this, I was waiting to be picked up. I spent my whole childhood waiting to be picked up and it brings a sour taste to my mouth. Especially when the driver shows up later than I anticipated. This was the case today.
My mind went in every direction:
--He got in a motorbike crash. Oh my gosh. He's probably in the hospital and getting help but what am I going to do? Go to the hospital and see him or go to teach my class? Oh oh oh I hope he's okay!
--He forgot me. This is my fear. Though none of my friends or their parents ever did forget me, the thought ran through my head so many times that it became reinforced to me: I am forgotten. Great, and here we go again.
--I still don't even know what we're going to do in class tonight and now, on top of that, I am going to be so late. I will never be a perfect teacher at this rate! (Still, even after my "perfectionist breakdown" the hour previous, I was back to wanting to be perfect. Oofta.)
And then he came. And I was mad both at myself and at him. But I still don't really know how to express negative feelings like hurt or anger so I just sat, behind him, as he drove.
There's something about being so close to someone you're mad at. It's a space rich with possibility.
Behind him, I sat and thought about what I was feeling. And I thought about how he didn't get in a motorbike crash (thank you, God), how he didn't forget me, and how I still am not going to be a perfect teacher.
Learning curves are really hard. But, as an educator, I know it's important to push through. And I am so thankful that God is the most patient, loving, teacher out there.
May we keep learning how to live in harmony with ourselves and with each other.
In peace,
Christina
