Write Something

I haven’t written in a while. And by “written”, I mean “written publicly”.

Because I’m waiting for the right atmosphere when the cup of coffee is still cooling down enough to drink and the candle’s scent is the exact one I wanted from Target. When inspiration has come in so gracefully and yet insistent that I use that exact moment to write and publish because I have the confidence in the inspiration being beyond myself and of worth to share with others.

Because if I do any writing in my free time it should be to update my supporters and remind them that I am, in fact, quite grateful for their prayers and finances and care across the globe as I live in a missionary world on the other side of the ocean.

And similarly, because my work contract is combined with a belief statement and so much of my ponderings and queries directly confront colonialism, the purpose of scripture, and sexual morals beyond what I’ve seen my evangelical community able to handle.

Because it is too easy to publish words and the new president of the my country posts words so frequently, with such little care, and with such immediate and ebbing responses that I, more often than not, don’t see the purpose in putting more words into the world wide web. And with click bait and numbered lists littering the internet, why would anyone want to sit and read paragraphs that include words in which a dictionary is required?

While a part of me argues that not posting my writing for these reasons and others have immense benefits, I know that when I weight the pros and cons of my excuses and the benefits, I need to just write something. And post it. Because I claim a love of words and sharing and growing. Yet I don't do the everyday hard work of the 2 shitty pages a day; the hard work of showing up even when I feel a lack of inspiration. So here’s to doing away with my common excuses and challenging myself to write more, even if it is just something.

2017 was about “presence”, for me, and 2018 is about “presence + enoughness”. So while I am working to take down the high expectations I have of myself and others, and instead being welcoming and accepting of who I am (and hopefully extending that to others), I think I need to keep a high bar to practice the discipline of regularly writing something. Even when there is no coffee in my hand or inspiration that has followed me around all day.

Maybe my “write something” will lead to someone else who needs to “read something”, but if not, that will still be enough. So this year I am going to try and just write little somethings, write what’s on my mind, not trying to analyze neither my voice nor purpose, with this blog and its few readers as my witness.